Darkschunt 
Wednesday, September 29, 2004
Hexed.
So in my last update, my fever was gone and all I had to contend with was a sore throat and lack of sleep - Hah! It seems that yours truly ended up getting hit hard by the deadly disease known as - FLU. So there I was, trying to retain all my social butterfly-ishness attending barbecues and lunches and botanical gardens and hanging out with Joy while trying to create a page for my flat for the EUH yearbook while trying to score points at my kendo grading and competition while at the same time battling a fever, sore and exhausted body, watery and irritated eyes, a terrible sore throat and a cough a hundred times worse. And the thing that sucked? I wanted to do ALL of those things and enjoy them as I deserved to, but NONONO, I had to FALL sick and feel exhausted and sick and depressed and NOT be allowed to enjoy any of the FUN THINGS WHICH I SO FUCKING DESERVE TO ENJOY!!!!!!!!!
Joy has gone back to Adelaide! Which makes me so sad! But we'll see each other come December! I miss you so much already!
My friend, C, her boyfriend's dad passed away, and she went to his funeral and met his family for the first time. One of the sisters was a real bitch, it seems, and made pretty snide comments about C's weight and looks. But his mother liked her, and, as I told C, that's all that matters.
My grading went okay, I passed but I wasn't too happy with my performance, while I just sucked at the competition. I don't know if it was because I was sick, tired, had missed out on two weeks of training beforehand, because I'm just lousy, or because I was a beginner up against more experienced people or...aaargh...I don't want to think about it anymore...but anyway, it's over and I just want to curl up and die with my fever. Plus I went around with my sick-as-sick complexion and eyes so bloody red that the one thing I kept hearing the whole day was "Your eyes are really, really, really red." The only good thing is that I like the color red.
It's not the end. I think someone put a hex on me since a week and a half ago. This blog update is a blog update made to make people with ill luck feel better! Okay, should I just list all the things I screwed up with here? I screwed up my kendo competition, I made my grading but I feel as if I screwed it up anyway as well, I screwed up my presentation (which, by all rights, I SHOULD not have considering the amount of time I wasted preparing for it), I screwed up my health by catching this monstrous flu which is having a profound effect on my mental health as well, I screwed up my BANK ACCOUNT (Yes! It is true! I am on the edge of bankruptcy! I have insufficient funds in my account and had to call my mother and beg for help and feel terribly guilty about not managing my money better!), I screwed up my looks because being sick with red eyes and a splotchy complexion and lack of sleep does not make a model, i am just SCREWED. And my flu makes me feel sick, makes me feel depressed, makes me feel like a loser, and makes me feel like I'm a social pariah and that I should not live any longer and should just kill myself. I'm just not good enough for anything. I suck. I should be cast out and made to live on an island by myself. (Which would not be such a bad thing since right now I just feel like going to live in my log cabin by a beautiful pool in the middle of a clearing in the middle of the forest on top of a mountain where no one else is ever going to be likely to come within ten miles of except for WZ who will live in his own log cabin on the next mountain and the only form of communication we will ever have is when we fire off our shotguns at each other's mountains in the morning.)
Okay, thinking about WZ and our plan to fire our shotguns at each other's mountains just made me laugh. I think I can still live after all.
I still feel as if I've been hexed a thousand times and I still feel sick and very depressed about the fact that there may be some things in life which I would always be lousy at. But...hey, hex me all you like, eventually I'm going to be so immune that these hexes would bounce right off me and back at you.
Honestly, I have no idea why I've been having such a down week for this one and a half weeks. I've never had so much bad luck for so long. I'm just hoping and praying and chanting that this wouldn't last for much longer. Is it just because I'm so sick? When will I heal? What if I don't heal because I don't feel like going to a doctor? And it did not help that S keeps playing her Late Night Moods Compilation CD over and over again which features loads of the most depressing songs you ever hear which is just so PERFECT for getting depressed people even more depressed and is like the perfect accompaniment to your suicide - Joy and I agreed that even the chick lounging in the window while holding a glass of wine on the CD cover looks depressed and ready to throw herself out of the window - and the songs get stuck in my head all weekend and just makes me feel even more depressed. Just get a load of some of the lyrics that stick out in my head - "I quit/I give up/nothing's ever gonna be good enough for anyone". Pass the hanging rope, the bottle of pills, and the tub of water which I would drown myself in! (No knives, that's too brutal for the kind of suicide in which I am in the mood for, the type where you just pass out of this world without anyone giving a damn about you).
Wow, that last line WAS pretty depressing. Suicidal people who are reading this blog, don't listen to that last line! Think about me and WZ firing our shotguns off at each other's mountains instead! And go read my latest poem in my Forest of Poetry (link can be seen on the sidebar) called Shelter (the poem, not the Forest of Poetry), which was written by yours truly as she was (and still is) harboring the wounds which this cruel world has inflicted upon her so badly during this past week and a half!
But it's okay, I've got this huge comfortable jacket (which is the one good thing which came out of this competition) which I can wrap around myself and ward off all the cold (oh, yes! Spring is here and while everyone is out enjoying the sunshine and warmth, I just feel even worse and cold because of my sickness!) and I've still got some Cup Noodles and pasta in the cupboard and all I have to do is....hold out...a little longer...
And when I get my hands on the little runt who tried to hex me, believe me, he/she is going to wish that they've never heard of hexes before...
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So in my last update, my fever was gone and all I had to contend with was a sore throat and lack of sleep - Hah! It seems that yours truly ended up getting hit hard by the deadly disease known as - FLU. So there I was, trying to retain all my social butterfly-ishness attending barbecues and lunches and botanical gardens and hanging out with Joy while trying to create a page for my flat for the EUH yearbook while trying to score points at my kendo grading and competition while at the same time battling a fever, sore and exhausted body, watery and irritated eyes, a terrible sore throat and a cough a hundred times worse. And the thing that sucked? I wanted to do ALL of those things and enjoy them as I deserved to, but NONONO, I had to FALL sick and feel exhausted and sick and depressed and NOT be allowed to enjoy any of the FUN THINGS WHICH I SO FUCKING DESERVE TO ENJOY!!!!!!!!!
Joy has gone back to Adelaide! Which makes me so sad! But we'll see each other come December! I miss you so much already!
My friend, C, her boyfriend's dad passed away, and she went to his funeral and met his family for the first time. One of the sisters was a real bitch, it seems, and made pretty snide comments about C's weight and looks. But his mother liked her, and, as I told C, that's all that matters.
My grading went okay, I passed but I wasn't too happy with my performance, while I just sucked at the competition. I don't know if it was because I was sick, tired, had missed out on two weeks of training beforehand, because I'm just lousy, or because I was a beginner up against more experienced people or...aaargh...I don't want to think about it anymore...but anyway, it's over and I just want to curl up and die with my fever. Plus I went around with my sick-as-sick complexion and eyes so bloody red that the one thing I kept hearing the whole day was "Your eyes are really, really, really red." The only good thing is that I like the color red.
It's not the end. I think someone put a hex on me since a week and a half ago. This blog update is a blog update made to make people with ill luck feel better! Okay, should I just list all the things I screwed up with here? I screwed up my kendo competition, I made my grading but I feel as if I screwed it up anyway as well, I screwed up my presentation (which, by all rights, I SHOULD not have considering the amount of time I wasted preparing for it), I screwed up my health by catching this monstrous flu which is having a profound effect on my mental health as well, I screwed up my BANK ACCOUNT (Yes! It is true! I am on the edge of bankruptcy! I have insufficient funds in my account and had to call my mother and beg for help and feel terribly guilty about not managing my money better!), I screwed up my looks because being sick with red eyes and a splotchy complexion and lack of sleep does not make a model, i am just SCREWED. And my flu makes me feel sick, makes me feel depressed, makes me feel like a loser, and makes me feel like I'm a social pariah and that I should not live any longer and should just kill myself. I'm just not good enough for anything. I suck. I should be cast out and made to live on an island by myself. (Which would not be such a bad thing since right now I just feel like going to live in my log cabin by a beautiful pool in the middle of a clearing in the middle of the forest on top of a mountain where no one else is ever going to be likely to come within ten miles of except for WZ who will live in his own log cabin on the next mountain and the only form of communication we will ever have is when we fire off our shotguns at each other's mountains in the morning.)
Okay, thinking about WZ and our plan to fire our shotguns at each other's mountains just made me laugh. I think I can still live after all.
I still feel as if I've been hexed a thousand times and I still feel sick and very depressed about the fact that there may be some things in life which I would always be lousy at. But...hey, hex me all you like, eventually I'm going to be so immune that these hexes would bounce right off me and back at you.
Honestly, I have no idea why I've been having such a down week for this one and a half weeks. I've never had so much bad luck for so long. I'm just hoping and praying and chanting that this wouldn't last for much longer. Is it just because I'm so sick? When will I heal? What if I don't heal because I don't feel like going to a doctor? And it did not help that S keeps playing her Late Night Moods Compilation CD over and over again which features loads of the most depressing songs you ever hear which is just so PERFECT for getting depressed people even more depressed and is like the perfect accompaniment to your suicide - Joy and I agreed that even the chick lounging in the window while holding a glass of wine on the CD cover looks depressed and ready to throw herself out of the window - and the songs get stuck in my head all weekend and just makes me feel even more depressed. Just get a load of some of the lyrics that stick out in my head - "I quit/I give up/nothing's ever gonna be good enough for anyone". Pass the hanging rope, the bottle of pills, and the tub of water which I would drown myself in! (No knives, that's too brutal for the kind of suicide in which I am in the mood for, the type where you just pass out of this world without anyone giving a damn about you).
Wow, that last line WAS pretty depressing. Suicidal people who are reading this blog, don't listen to that last line! Think about me and WZ firing our shotguns off at each other's mountains instead! And go read my latest poem in my Forest of Poetry (link can be seen on the sidebar) called Shelter (the poem, not the Forest of Poetry), which was written by yours truly as she was (and still is) harboring the wounds which this cruel world has inflicted upon her so badly during this past week and a half!
But it's okay, I've got this huge comfortable jacket (which is the one good thing which came out of this competition) which I can wrap around myself and ward off all the cold (oh, yes! Spring is here and while everyone is out enjoying the sunshine and warmth, I just feel even worse and cold because of my sickness!) and I've still got some Cup Noodles and pasta in the cupboard and all I have to do is....hold out...a little longer...
And when I get my hands on the little runt who tried to hex me, believe me, he/she is going to wish that they've never heard of hexes before...
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Sunday, September 26, 2004
Today we went to Araluen! The botanical park which is supposed to be full of beautiful blooming flowers and shit but all we saw were lots of trees, lots of grass, lots of centipedes (eeeeuuuurgh!) and a few patches of bright flowers. Dis-appointing. What a waste of a morning. I think there were more children than there were flowers there. It was so pathetic. It was more like a Tree and Children Festival or a Millipede Festival than a Tulip Festival. But I did get to see lots of nice little fire poppies. :)
I am so damn sick....it sucks that I have to be sick at this time with so many things going on and me not being able to fully enjoy any of them....yaaaargh....
Everyone's been celebrating the moon festival this weekend....and tonight especially! I had like half a mooncake just now but I couldn't manage any more because of my throat...bleeurgh...
Horrible things have been happening to me....I just discovered that I am truly broke! I am at the end of my tether! I am at the "I need to call my mom" end of the tether! It's terrible! It's shocking! It's....horrifying!
My friend from Dubai has been telling me all the latest things going on in Egypt....like how it is the trend now for women to sit on their husband's faces and suffocate them. Hmmm.... Egyptian men, watch out for your wife's arses!
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I am so damn sick....it sucks that I have to be sick at this time with so many things going on and me not being able to fully enjoy any of them....yaaaargh....
Everyone's been celebrating the moon festival this weekend....and tonight especially! I had like half a mooncake just now but I couldn't manage any more because of my throat...bleeurgh...
Horrible things have been happening to me....I just discovered that I am truly broke! I am at the end of my tether! I am at the "I need to call my mom" end of the tether! It's terrible! It's shocking! It's....horrifying!
My friend from Dubai has been telling me all the latest things going on in Egypt....like how it is the trend now for women to sit on their husband's faces and suffocate them. Hmmm.... Egyptian men, watch out for your wife's arses!
(0) comments
Saturday, September 25, 2004
So it's the weekend now and my fever is gone but I have a terrible sore throat which makes it hard to swallow and makes me wonder how I'm going to muster up a big kiai for my kendo grading/competition on Monday/Tuesday, but all is well otherwise! Today I woke up at the unearthly time of 7:45 to find K's landlord's big sweet kitty next to me, then headed down to Shenton College for the Uni Games accredition, which lasted like fifteen minutes just so they could give us passes and stuff. The cab driver who took me to Shenton College also took fifteen precious bucks from me and had absolutely no idea where Shenton College was - he had to look in the directory. Hello - what did they teach you in cabby school???? So I decided to walk back since, according to him, it was really just a five minute walk back. If I ever see him again, I'll cut his throat and hang him by the balls because it was a total lie. I took forever to walk back and K was fucking sleeping and refusing to come out like a proper friend and pick me up from the middle of nowhere and Joy, being a proper friend as all proper friends should, tried to wake him up but couldn't and she couldn't come pick me up because she had no idea where I was either. Aaaargh! And I tried to get directions but all I got was a creepy guy at a cemetery - which makes sense that I would end up getting directions from such a person, considering all the kinds of people I end up making friends with - whose only piece of useful information for me was that "a girl like you shouldn't be walking all this long way." Yes, Mr. Creepy Cemetery Man, I agree, but apparently my unproper friends do not! Anyway, after I left the cemetery, I was picked up by a Good Samaritan - God bless you! - who drove me down to Hardie Road and got me back at K's in record time! And now I'm waiting for Joy to shower and for K to wake up (by blasting his loudest songs on the computer at him which are not that loud anyway) and oooh! - real time update! He's awake and has moved into the shower!
And now we are going to have lunchies! So I must blog off! Good-bye!
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And now we are going to have lunchies! So I must blog off! Good-bye!
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Thursday, September 23, 2004
Well, it's been busy busy busy week for me...and i've just unloaded a whole bunch of assigments - aaaaargh! presentation! made a fool of myself again! i hate it when i do that! - and i've got a slight fever which i am nursing tonight with hot water and panandol and my kendo grading/competition is next week and ooooh! joy of ricerca!/screaming sour/sourbuckley livejournal is heeeere right heeeere in this little sleep isolated city!!!!!!!! yep, she flew all the way down here and we are so happy to have her here and smoke and drink and bitch with her!
and hello marcus who messaged me on the tagboard! wow- someone has finally woken up to the twentieth century and its' technology! yes, i wish you could have a little of my blood now, but only just a little, because i'm still sick and kind of weak at the moment!
And S's bf, the Chili Gangster is here too! So - yay! It's a regular pow wow!
And....i'm just wondering...am i a social pariah????!????? i mean like, not entirely one, but....like, i jsut find it SO hard to talk with some ppl....it just guts me....i know i have nothing to be afraid of or intimidated by and all that...but sometimes...and i get on just blimmingly well with some ppl....so well, that when i tell them about this problem of mine, they go "u? shy?" and snort and laugh, but it's truuueeee! and i don't know what's wrong with me! i just start mumbling and sounding like a real idiot and can't think of a thing to say, and it often happens with certain ppl and i just don't know what to do about it! i can feel perfectly confident and like i have nothing to be afraid of in the world and then sit down next to them and start mumbling....and they get this look on their face like "urgh, i'm talking to an idiot" and i get even worse....and then...well, let's just say it all goes downhill from there.
Grrrr! It just pisses me off so. If it weren't for that problem, i'd be a perfect social dragonfly by now. Instead, I'm only semi or half a social dragonfly. Gaaaah!
And i don't know what sets it off, i honestly don't. I've tried analyzing, i've tried to figure it out, but the fact is i can just get on SO well with some ppl and so UNWELL with some others. And, what is the problem here??????????????
*Sigh* I honestly have no idea. Can someone please help me figure this out???
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and hello marcus who messaged me on the tagboard! wow- someone has finally woken up to the twentieth century and its' technology! yes, i wish you could have a little of my blood now, but only just a little, because i'm still sick and kind of weak at the moment!
And S's bf, the Chili Gangster is here too! So - yay! It's a regular pow wow!
And....i'm just wondering...am i a social pariah????!????? i mean like, not entirely one, but....like, i jsut find it SO hard to talk with some ppl....it just guts me....i know i have nothing to be afraid of or intimidated by and all that...but sometimes...and i get on just blimmingly well with some ppl....so well, that when i tell them about this problem of mine, they go "u? shy?" and snort and laugh, but it's truuueeee! and i don't know what's wrong with me! i just start mumbling and sounding like a real idiot and can't think of a thing to say, and it often happens with certain ppl and i just don't know what to do about it! i can feel perfectly confident and like i have nothing to be afraid of in the world and then sit down next to them and start mumbling....and they get this look on their face like "urgh, i'm talking to an idiot" and i get even worse....and then...well, let's just say it all goes downhill from there.
Grrrr! It just pisses me off so. If it weren't for that problem, i'd be a perfect social dragonfly by now. Instead, I'm only semi or half a social dragonfly. Gaaaah!
And i don't know what sets it off, i honestly don't. I've tried analyzing, i've tried to figure it out, but the fact is i can just get on SO well with some ppl and so UNWELL with some others. And, what is the problem here??????????????
*Sigh* I honestly have no idea. Can someone please help me figure this out???
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Sunday, September 12, 2004
Burning: Dusk Vienna Candle, Dusk Mulberry Candle
Shop Music: Abra Moore "Trip on Love"
Sky: Beautiful
People would be glad to know that I've finally quit whining about turning 20 and I've finally gotten past my "i'm-a-sakura-which-has-passed-her-prime" rut! I don't know how that came about, I was just lying in bed one night, slightly drunk and all, and I just realized...it didn't matter to me anymore. And that not being a teenager didn't make me sad anymore. And that, yeah it sucked that I could never be that cool as-you-are when you are a teen anymore and that I'm just so much closer to being a goddamn boring ordinary like shit adult, but that there were also a lot of new things to look forward to. So, yeah, I've finally gotten over that particular stage in my life. See, I told you i'd get over it. Da Beautiful One always comes out on top of things. *winks*
Lol! And some people are going to say, "Damn, girl! You're still acting like a bloody teenager anyway!"
Yeah, we're all still young at heart!
And speaking of age issues, I saw Suddenly 30 the other day! Damn! No way can a thirteen-year-old pull together outfits and hairstyles the way Jennifer Garner did in that movie! She was into Michael Jackson and puffy skirts just the other day! But what a sweet movie! And what outfits! And what hairstyles!
Oh and guess what! I saw a shooting star last night! I was standing on my balcony smoking when suddenly I saw this beautiful perfect bright thing drift through the deepening blue evening sky and just winked out into the blue. The first thing that crossed my mind was "fireworks?" and then I realized what I just saw and I immediately shoved the sliding doors open and poked my head into the flat while letting in clouds of cigarette smoke at the same time and shouted, "I saw a shooting star!!!!!!!" then i turned back, while forgetting to close the sliding door, and made my wish. Not telling what it is. *wink* But we'll see if it comes true.
Oh, and my pot handle broke today. I have such bad luck with pots. That's like the fourth pot I ruined this year. What is it with the damn pots anyway? It wasn't as if I was doing anything with it. It just broke off in my hand. And I'm definitely so not the strongest person in the world. I spent like five minutes trying to open my spaghetti sauce today and my flatmate opened it in like five secs.
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Shop Music: Abra Moore "Trip on Love"
Sky: Beautiful
People would be glad to know that I've finally quit whining about turning 20 and I've finally gotten past my "i'm-a-sakura-which-has-passed-her-prime" rut! I don't know how that came about, I was just lying in bed one night, slightly drunk and all, and I just realized...it didn't matter to me anymore. And that not being a teenager didn't make me sad anymore. And that, yeah it sucked that I could never be that cool as-you-are when you are a teen anymore and that I'm just so much closer to being a goddamn boring ordinary like shit adult, but that there were also a lot of new things to look forward to. So, yeah, I've finally gotten over that particular stage in my life. See, I told you i'd get over it. Da Beautiful One always comes out on top of things. *winks*
Lol! And some people are going to say, "Damn, girl! You're still acting like a bloody teenager anyway!"
Yeah, we're all still young at heart!
And speaking of age issues, I saw Suddenly 30 the other day! Damn! No way can a thirteen-year-old pull together outfits and hairstyles the way Jennifer Garner did in that movie! She was into Michael Jackson and puffy skirts just the other day! But what a sweet movie! And what outfits! And what hairstyles!
Oh and guess what! I saw a shooting star last night! I was standing on my balcony smoking when suddenly I saw this beautiful perfect bright thing drift through the deepening blue evening sky and just winked out into the blue. The first thing that crossed my mind was "fireworks?" and then I realized what I just saw and I immediately shoved the sliding doors open and poked my head into the flat while letting in clouds of cigarette smoke at the same time and shouted, "I saw a shooting star!!!!!!!" then i turned back, while forgetting to close the sliding door, and made my wish. Not telling what it is. *wink* But we'll see if it comes true.
Oh, and my pot handle broke today. I have such bad luck with pots. That's like the fourth pot I ruined this year. What is it with the damn pots anyway? It wasn't as if I was doing anything with it. It just broke off in my hand. And I'm definitely so not the strongest person in the world. I spent like five minutes trying to open my spaghetti sauce today and my flatmate opened it in like five secs.
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Thursday, September 09, 2004
Just went on a chocolate-selling rampage through the flats in EU for the fundraiser for the magazine which i'm working a payless job for ;)... the fredos are going fast! I appear outside the doors holding my brown paper bag stuffed with candies and I try to smile sweetly....call me the candy lady...
Was watching "My Left Eye Sees Ghosts" last night....it was sooo heartbreakingly sad!!! I cried my eyes out!
Also saw "You Got Served" this evening...which was pretty cool....it had that girl from "My Wife and Kids" in it...the daughter...
Today I had *Party Pies* for dinner! These most adorable little chicken pies...which were also pretty damn filling! I had six and I'm still stuffed!
I had such a hard time sleeping last night, i kept waking up and each time I woke up, it was so hard to get back to bed...
The cleaners came to our flat today! The entire kitchen is so clean! It's unbelievable! Hahaha!
Okay...must go...I have to do some reading and investigating and write limericks tonight! Look, I'm actually trying to be hardworking! A-mazing!
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Was watching "My Left Eye Sees Ghosts" last night....it was sooo heartbreakingly sad!!! I cried my eyes out!
Also saw "You Got Served" this evening...which was pretty cool....it had that girl from "My Wife and Kids" in it...the daughter...
Today I had *Party Pies* for dinner! These most adorable little chicken pies...which were also pretty damn filling! I had six and I'm still stuffed!
I had such a hard time sleeping last night, i kept waking up and each time I woke up, it was so hard to get back to bed...
The cleaners came to our flat today! The entire kitchen is so clean! It's unbelievable! Hahaha!
Okay...must go...I have to do some reading and investigating and write limericks tonight! Look, I'm actually trying to be hardworking! A-mazing!
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Monday, September 06, 2004
First day of uni after study break (during which I did not study at all) and it's pouring and the wind is bitingly cold and I have no umbrella. It's enough to make a girl want to turn around and go back into her flat and crawl back into her nice warm bed.
So I go to the chemist and bought me an umbrella after my MCI class because i am SO sick of being caught in the rain (trust me, it sucks to sit in class when your clothes are all wet and cold and sticking to your skin). But apparently, all umbrellas made in this country are lousy. The first umbrella I bought got wrecked to pieces by the hellish wind and the second one refuses to stay close until I strangled it with the strap that comes around it.
I was watching The Chronicles of Riddick last night and it was such a bloody depressing movie, it depressed the hell out of me. Which was surprising because technically I should be right at home with all that darkness-and-hellish-planets stuff. Or maybe it was just Vin Diesel. Or maybe it's just this bloody weather. And I had to play some music to cheer myself up when I realized that all my CDs are bloody depressing as well. I need to get some new CDs!
Just found a happy song on my songlist! Beautiful Life, by B'z...which was the theme song of this Japanese TV show about a wheelchair-bound girl and a guy who worked as a hairstylist and how they met and overcame all odds and fell in love only to end up with her dying of the same incurable disease which had crippled her.
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So I go to the chemist and bought me an umbrella after my MCI class because i am SO sick of being caught in the rain (trust me, it sucks to sit in class when your clothes are all wet and cold and sticking to your skin). But apparently, all umbrellas made in this country are lousy. The first umbrella I bought got wrecked to pieces by the hellish wind and the second one refuses to stay close until I strangled it with the strap that comes around it.
I was watching The Chronicles of Riddick last night and it was such a bloody depressing movie, it depressed the hell out of me. Which was surprising because technically I should be right at home with all that darkness-and-hellish-planets stuff. Or maybe it was just Vin Diesel. Or maybe it's just this bloody weather. And I had to play some music to cheer myself up when I realized that all my CDs are bloody depressing as well. I need to get some new CDs!
Just found a happy song on my songlist! Beautiful Life, by B'z...which was the theme song of this Japanese TV show about a wheelchair-bound girl and a guy who worked as a hairstylist and how they met and overcame all odds and fell in love only to end up with her dying of the same incurable disease which had crippled her.
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Thursday, September 02, 2004
I nearly went homicidal on myself the other day! I was lying in bed, with my arms kind of pinned under me as how I always sleep, thinking I should finally get out of bed. My right hand is dangerously near my throat and as I moved, my thumbnail swipes across the center of my throat as do how knives go across people's throat in the movies and I froze at the pain. I become sure that I have just suceeded in killing myself with my thumbnail and drag myself out of bed and over to the mirror to make sure my hair looks good before I collaspe and die.
Well, I didn't exactly have a blood-gushing gash but there was definitely blood and now there is a thin red line across the centre of my throat which looks like somebody tried to hold me hostage with a very shaky knife-holding arm. I knew my nails were lethal but I had no idea how lethal. Lethal enough to almost accidentally commit suicide with.
Woke up from a nightmare this morning. It was horrible. I was part of this tour group and the husband of this couple also in the tour group got posessed. I can't remember exactly what happened but I think he had been killing off people and we got stranded at this house by a river. I don't know when we began to suspect him but at the end of the dream I was on top of him strangling him and I looked into his eyes and they were white with thin black pupils that looked totally non-human and it was the demon in him which was trying to posess me now and transfer to my body but I knew what he was doing so I wasn't going to fall for it. Anyway, those eyes were SCARY. I was deathly afraid of those eyes, I can still remember them now. And anyway, he must have died because later the wife and I were standing by the window upstairs and I was trying to comfort her when the tour guide came up to the room and told us to come downstairs where everyone was because he was still afraid that the evil spirits were still lingeirng around and it was better for everyone to be together in one room. We came downstairs, which kind of looks like my house back home, and that is when the phone rings. I pick up the phone and it's this weird male voice asking to speak to the wife. I hand the phone to the wife and she picks it up and she goes all pale and from what she says, we all know it is the husband calling from hell. But he is speaking in chinese and she gets scared so she pretends she doesn't understand and she hands the phone to this old chinese ah ma who doesn't know what is going on and she talks to the guy and says to the wife, "it's your husband calling." (she doesn't know the husband is dead). Then the wife gets even more scared but she's forced to take back the phone and then she looks at me and says, "he wants to talk to you." But I'm like, "Yeah, no way am I talking to him on a phone line from hell, not after the time he tried to posess me while I was strangling him!" so I say "no way" and turn away and that's when I see this horrible tall figure like an old but incredibly tall chinese grandmother lying on her back over the piano bench and she rises in a completely scary and un-humanely flexible way and starts walking towards me and I just know she's a ghost, but you have to pretend not to be afraid or give any sign that you know they're ghosts, so when she stands on her way, I go, "Oh, sorry, grandma, am i in your way? here" I smoothly extricate myself out of her way before she can grab me with her arms, "you go right ahead." and I hurriedly walk away. And I think, this is when my friend calls me and saves me from this horrible nightmare. And then I remember that it's the Hungry Ghost Festival going on and I'm like, man, I hope I'm not getting all these visits from them in my dreams again!!! Am I not suppose to be safe when I'm an ocean away???
Earlier today I went out for a smoke on the front balcony but one of my flatmates has hung his clothes there to dry so obviously I'm a good person and wouldn't contaminate his freshly laundered clothes with my evil smoke so I went round to the fire escape at the back and sat there puffing away with the sun shining on me and spring insects all around. As I sat there, Lene Marlin's song was playing through my head - "I'm sitting down there but hey you can't see me/kind of invisible if I say so myself" and I was like "yeah, no one can see me down here on these steps" and I was just basically all peaceful and stuff down on the steps.
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Well, I didn't exactly have a blood-gushing gash but there was definitely blood and now there is a thin red line across the centre of my throat which looks like somebody tried to hold me hostage with a very shaky knife-holding arm. I knew my nails were lethal but I had no idea how lethal. Lethal enough to almost accidentally commit suicide with.
Woke up from a nightmare this morning. It was horrible. I was part of this tour group and the husband of this couple also in the tour group got posessed. I can't remember exactly what happened but I think he had been killing off people and we got stranded at this house by a river. I don't know when we began to suspect him but at the end of the dream I was on top of him strangling him and I looked into his eyes and they were white with thin black pupils that looked totally non-human and it was the demon in him which was trying to posess me now and transfer to my body but I knew what he was doing so I wasn't going to fall for it. Anyway, those eyes were SCARY. I was deathly afraid of those eyes, I can still remember them now. And anyway, he must have died because later the wife and I were standing by the window upstairs and I was trying to comfort her when the tour guide came up to the room and told us to come downstairs where everyone was because he was still afraid that the evil spirits were still lingeirng around and it was better for everyone to be together in one room. We came downstairs, which kind of looks like my house back home, and that is when the phone rings. I pick up the phone and it's this weird male voice asking to speak to the wife. I hand the phone to the wife and she picks it up and she goes all pale and from what she says, we all know it is the husband calling from hell. But he is speaking in chinese and she gets scared so she pretends she doesn't understand and she hands the phone to this old chinese ah ma who doesn't know what is going on and she talks to the guy and says to the wife, "it's your husband calling." (she doesn't know the husband is dead). Then the wife gets even more scared but she's forced to take back the phone and then she looks at me and says, "he wants to talk to you." But I'm like, "Yeah, no way am I talking to him on a phone line from hell, not after the time he tried to posess me while I was strangling him!" so I say "no way" and turn away and that's when I see this horrible tall figure like an old but incredibly tall chinese grandmother lying on her back over the piano bench and she rises in a completely scary and un-humanely flexible way and starts walking towards me and I just know she's a ghost, but you have to pretend not to be afraid or give any sign that you know they're ghosts, so when she stands on her way, I go, "Oh, sorry, grandma, am i in your way? here" I smoothly extricate myself out of her way before she can grab me with her arms, "you go right ahead." and I hurriedly walk away. And I think, this is when my friend calls me and saves me from this horrible nightmare. And then I remember that it's the Hungry Ghost Festival going on and I'm like, man, I hope I'm not getting all these visits from them in my dreams again!!! Am I not suppose to be safe when I'm an ocean away???
Earlier today I went out for a smoke on the front balcony but one of my flatmates has hung his clothes there to dry so obviously I'm a good person and wouldn't contaminate his freshly laundered clothes with my evil smoke so I went round to the fire escape at the back and sat there puffing away with the sun shining on me and spring insects all around. As I sat there, Lene Marlin's song was playing through my head - "I'm sitting down there but hey you can't see me/kind of invisible if I say so myself" and I was like "yeah, no one can see me down here on these steps" and I was just basically all peaceful and stuff down on the steps.
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