Darkschunt

Hexed.
So in my last update, my fever was gone and all I had to contend with was a sore throat and lack of sleep - Hah! It seems that yours truly ended up getting hit hard by the deadly disease known as - FLU. So there I was, trying to retain all my social butterfly-ishness attending barbecues and lunches and botanical gardens and hanging out with Joy while trying to create a page for my flat for the EUH yearbook while trying to score points at my kendo grading and competition while at the same time battling a fever, sore and exhausted body, watery and irritated eyes, a terrible sore throat and a cough a hundred times worse. And the thing that sucked? I wanted to do ALL of those things and enjoy them as I deserved to, but NONONO, I had to FALL sick and feel exhausted and sick and depressed and NOT be allowed to enjoy any of the FUN THINGS WHICH I SO FUCKING DESERVE TO ENJOY!!!!!!!!!
Joy has gone back to Adelaide! Which makes me so sad! But we'll see each other come December! I miss you so much already!
My friend, C, her boyfriend's dad passed away, and she went to his funeral and met his family for the first time. One of the sisters was a real bitch, it seems, and made pretty snide comments about C's weight and looks. But his mother liked her, and, as I told C, that's all that matters.
My grading went okay, I passed but I wasn't too happy with my performance, while I just sucked at the competition. I don't know if it was because I was sick, tired, had missed out on two weeks of training beforehand, because I'm just lousy, or because I was a beginner up against more experienced people or...aaargh...I don't want to think about it anymore...but anyway, it's over and I just want to curl up and die with my fever. Plus I went around with my sick-as-sick complexion and eyes so bloody red that the one thing I kept hearing the whole day was "Your eyes are really, really, really red." The only good thing is that I like the color red.
It's not the end. I think someone put a hex on me since a week and a half ago. This blog update is a blog update made to make people with ill luck feel better! Okay, should I just list all the things I screwed up with here? I screwed up my kendo competition, I made my grading but I feel as if I screwed it up anyway as well, I screwed up my presentation (which, by all rights, I SHOULD not have considering the amount of time I wasted preparing for it), I screwed up my health by catching this monstrous flu which is having a profound effect on my mental health as well, I screwed up my BANK ACCOUNT (Yes! It is true! I am on the edge of bankruptcy! I have insufficient funds in my account and had to call my mother and beg for help and feel terribly guilty about not managing my money better!), I screwed up my looks because being sick with red eyes and a splotchy complexion and lack of sleep does not make a model, i am just SCREWED. And my flu makes me feel sick, makes me feel depressed, makes me feel like a loser, and makes me feel like I'm a social pariah and that I should not live any longer and should just kill myself. I'm just not good enough for anything. I suck. I should be cast out and made to live on an island by myself. (Which would not be such a bad thing since right now I just feel like going to live in my log cabin by a beautiful pool in the middle of a clearing in the middle of the forest on top of a mountain where no one else is ever going to be likely to come within ten miles of except for WZ who will live in his own log cabin on the next mountain and the only form of communication we will ever have is when we fire off our shotguns at each other's mountains in the morning.)
Okay, thinking about WZ and our plan to fire our shotguns at each other's mountains just made me laugh. I think I can still live after all.
I still feel as if I've been hexed a thousand times and I still feel sick and very depressed about the fact that there may be some things in life which I would always be lousy at. But...hey, hex me all you like, eventually I'm going to be so immune that these hexes would bounce right off me and back at you.
Honestly, I have no idea why I've been having such a down week for this one and a half weeks. I've never had so much bad luck for so long. I'm just hoping and praying and chanting that this wouldn't last for much longer. Is it just because I'm so sick? When will I heal? What if I don't heal because I don't feel like going to a doctor? And it did not help that S keeps playing her Late Night Moods Compilation CD over and over again which features loads of the most depressing songs you ever hear which is just so PERFECT for getting depressed people even more depressed and is like the perfect accompaniment to your suicide - Joy and I agreed that even the chick lounging in the window while holding a glass of wine on the CD cover looks depressed and ready to throw herself out of the window - and the songs get stuck in my head all weekend and just makes me feel even more depressed. Just get a load of some of the lyrics that stick out in my head - "I quit/I give up/nothing's ever gonna be good enough for anyone". Pass the hanging rope, the bottle of pills, and the tub of water which I would drown myself in! (No knives, that's too brutal for the kind of suicide in which I am in the mood for, the type where you just pass out of this world without anyone giving a damn about you).
Wow, that last line WAS pretty depressing. Suicidal people who are reading this blog, don't listen to that last line! Think about me and WZ firing our shotguns off at each other's mountains instead! And go read my latest poem in my Forest of Poetry (link can be seen on the sidebar) called Shelter (the poem, not the Forest of Poetry), which was written by yours truly as she was (and still is) harboring the wounds which this cruel world has inflicted upon her so badly during this past week and a half!
But it's okay, I've got this huge comfortable jacket (which is the one good thing which came out of this competition) which I can wrap around myself and ward off all the cold (oh, yes! Spring is here and while everyone is out enjoying the sunshine and warmth, I just feel even worse and cold because of my sickness!) and I've still got some Cup Noodles and pasta in the cupboard and all I have to do is....hold out...a little longer...
And when I get my hands on the little runt who tried to hex me, believe me, he/she is going to wish that they've never heard of hexes before...