Darkschunt 
Monday, June 13, 2005
Grief
How do you know when you're grieving when you've never grieved before?
Is it when you hurt all over?
They say in books that you hurt deep inside but it feels more like an all-over kind of pain.
And one of the thoughts in my head is that: Hey, it does feel physical.
So anyway, I don't mind if everyone skips over this post because this is more of a personal entry for myself.
So my grandmother on my mother's side died on Saturday. My sister rang up with the news and I just couldn't believe it.
And what did I feel? It was more of a disbelief that it had happened. No, it hadn't happened yet. No, she couldn't have died. She was supposed to wait for me! I was going to come home and make her feel better and cheer her up and make her eat her medicine and be the one to sit on the couch and watch TV with her.
And it was kind of a numb feeling after that, a numb feeling which all those gin and tonics I had after that didn't seem to drown. So much for drowning your sorrows. I couldn't do it. I did feel like smoking though. I hope I didn't ruin everybody's Saturday night. I know I didn't ruin someone's, heheheh, at least one of us had a good time on Saturday night.
So the first stage of grief is disbelief and numbness. Not crying or screaming. And then on the second day, there wasn't really anything much. And I kind of faintly thought, good, that's all there is to it. So maybe there's no grief.
And then last night I went to bed and I kept wishing that I could see her in my dreams. Because that's what happened, I saw one of them that was dead when I was sleeping, and I couldn't help but wish desperately she'd come to me too and I could at least see her one last time. But I didn't dream about her and when I woke up, I thought of that, and I thought, you know, how could she die without me? She knew I was coming back, there were only three or four more days before I was coming home, only three or four more days, three or four more days, damnit!
And I thought, I missed her so much. And then I couldn't stop crying because the tears came then. And it's like, why, why, why???
There are so many things I didn't get to do with her, I didn't get to spend more time with her, I didn't get to learn Chinese in time to have better conversations with her (those of you who know me and her know that we somehow manage to have conversations with each other without really understanding what the other was talking about), I didn't get to make her better, I didn't get to play mah jong with her (and I had just learnt it earlier this year!), I didn't get to do so many things. The only thing that I'm thankful for is for those months that I managed to spend time with her, last November, December, January, because that was when we had managed to get so close to one another. And then...I thought about the last time we saw one another, before I left, when I told her I was leaving, right at the doorstep, and we said good bye, and I wanted to hug her, but I stopped because we had never really hugged before.
And oh god, I wish so much that I had hugged her then. Because I didn't know that would be the last time we ever saw one another, didn't know she would suddenly fall ill and die.
And you know, there's so much about her that I miss, I miss the times when we looked at each other and just laughed because the rest of the family was being so silly, I miss the times when she would come over for the weekend and she would be sleeping in the room next to mine and I would come home late at night and just be so aware of her being in the next room as I tried to brush my teeth and take a shower as quietly as possible so I wouldn't wake her up, I even miss the fact that she used to break the toilet flush all the time and walked so slowly that the two of us would lag behind the rest of the family whenever we went out. She's my grandmother, you know? And these are all the things that make her my grandmother. How she used to pass cash on to me in this mafia like way, very secretive, pressing the cash into my hand as she walked by, because she knew that my mother didn't like her to give so much cash to me, and I would try not to take it too, but she would just wave a hand at me and tell me to take it. And you know, how she always seems so delicate and fragile but she's really made of steel inside, you should just see her when she's really stubborn, nothing would move her. When she refuses to ride escalators, and my mother would just try to make her get on one, and she wouldn't move, and I'd just laugh at the sight of the two of them and go scout for an elevator.
You know all those surveys that get passed around and everyone would do them? And there's always this one question: "what's the thing that you regret the most?" well, now I always know the one thing which I regret the most: the fact that I didn't get to know her better or spend more time with her before she died. I regret it so badly.
You know, I miss her so much. Why, why, why didn't she wait for me?
Sometimes, I'm not sure, because even when I had been planning to come home to see her, I was afraid because I heard that she's been getting so thin and so weak, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see her that way, maybe I wanted to remember her the way she was.
And then she died and I really didn't get to see her and I don't know which is worse because now I'm wishing so badly that I had gotten to see her.
Only about five or so more days, and I would have been home and I would have been the one to make you feel better. Why didn't you wait for me?
I should be happy for her. She's been going through a lot of pain and she'd been depressed. She must be in heaven now, or somewhere happy, with my grandfather and being treated like a queen, without any pain. That's where she is now.
And now I'm missing her so badly. You know, I was thinking, that I'm so glad that I had gotten much closer to her, and you know, she's been such a big part of my life, even when I was young and wasn't close to her, and she'll always be a part of me. So she's still alive in that way.
Everyone's been really nice. Poor things, I know some of them don't really know what to say. It's a little amusing because you feel sorry for them that they feel awkward about this. She would have laughed with me.
But you know, I thought I could feel her presence this morning.
You know, my grandmother.
I love her.
How do you know when you're grieving when you've never grieved before?
Is it when you hurt all over?
They say in books that you hurt deep inside but it feels more like an all-over kind of pain.
And one of the thoughts in my head is that: Hey, it does feel physical.
So anyway, I don't mind if everyone skips over this post because this is more of a personal entry for myself.
So my grandmother on my mother's side died on Saturday. My sister rang up with the news and I just couldn't believe it.
And what did I feel? It was more of a disbelief that it had happened. No, it hadn't happened yet. No, she couldn't have died. She was supposed to wait for me! I was going to come home and make her feel better and cheer her up and make her eat her medicine and be the one to sit on the couch and watch TV with her.
And it was kind of a numb feeling after that, a numb feeling which all those gin and tonics I had after that didn't seem to drown. So much for drowning your sorrows. I couldn't do it. I did feel like smoking though. I hope I didn't ruin everybody's Saturday night. I know I didn't ruin someone's, heheheh, at least one of us had a good time on Saturday night.
So the first stage of grief is disbelief and numbness. Not crying or screaming. And then on the second day, there wasn't really anything much. And I kind of faintly thought, good, that's all there is to it. So maybe there's no grief.
And then last night I went to bed and I kept wishing that I could see her in my dreams. Because that's what happened, I saw one of them that was dead when I was sleeping, and I couldn't help but wish desperately she'd come to me too and I could at least see her one last time. But I didn't dream about her and when I woke up, I thought of that, and I thought, you know, how could she die without me? She knew I was coming back, there were only three or four more days before I was coming home, only three or four more days, three or four more days, damnit!
And I thought, I missed her so much. And then I couldn't stop crying because the tears came then. And it's like, why, why, why???
There are so many things I didn't get to do with her, I didn't get to spend more time with her, I didn't get to learn Chinese in time to have better conversations with her (those of you who know me and her know that we somehow manage to have conversations with each other without really understanding what the other was talking about), I didn't get to make her better, I didn't get to play mah jong with her (and I had just learnt it earlier this year!), I didn't get to do so many things. The only thing that I'm thankful for is for those months that I managed to spend time with her, last November, December, January, because that was when we had managed to get so close to one another. And then...I thought about the last time we saw one another, before I left, when I told her I was leaving, right at the doorstep, and we said good bye, and I wanted to hug her, but I stopped because we had never really hugged before.
And oh god, I wish so much that I had hugged her then. Because I didn't know that would be the last time we ever saw one another, didn't know she would suddenly fall ill and die.
And you know, there's so much about her that I miss, I miss the times when we looked at each other and just laughed because the rest of the family was being so silly, I miss the times when she would come over for the weekend and she would be sleeping in the room next to mine and I would come home late at night and just be so aware of her being in the next room as I tried to brush my teeth and take a shower as quietly as possible so I wouldn't wake her up, I even miss the fact that she used to break the toilet flush all the time and walked so slowly that the two of us would lag behind the rest of the family whenever we went out. She's my grandmother, you know? And these are all the things that make her my grandmother. How she used to pass cash on to me in this mafia like way, very secretive, pressing the cash into my hand as she walked by, because she knew that my mother didn't like her to give so much cash to me, and I would try not to take it too, but she would just wave a hand at me and tell me to take it. And you know, how she always seems so delicate and fragile but she's really made of steel inside, you should just see her when she's really stubborn, nothing would move her. When she refuses to ride escalators, and my mother would just try to make her get on one, and she wouldn't move, and I'd just laugh at the sight of the two of them and go scout for an elevator.
You know all those surveys that get passed around and everyone would do them? And there's always this one question: "what's the thing that you regret the most?" well, now I always know the one thing which I regret the most: the fact that I didn't get to know her better or spend more time with her before she died. I regret it so badly.
You know, I miss her so much. Why, why, why didn't she wait for me?
Sometimes, I'm not sure, because even when I had been planning to come home to see her, I was afraid because I heard that she's been getting so thin and so weak, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to see her that way, maybe I wanted to remember her the way she was.
And then she died and I really didn't get to see her and I don't know which is worse because now I'm wishing so badly that I had gotten to see her.
Only about five or so more days, and I would have been home and I would have been the one to make you feel better. Why didn't you wait for me?
I should be happy for her. She's been going through a lot of pain and she'd been depressed. She must be in heaven now, or somewhere happy, with my grandfather and being treated like a queen, without any pain. That's where she is now.
And now I'm missing her so badly. You know, I was thinking, that I'm so glad that I had gotten much closer to her, and you know, she's been such a big part of my life, even when I was young and wasn't close to her, and she'll always be a part of me. So she's still alive in that way.
Everyone's been really nice. Poor things, I know some of them don't really know what to say. It's a little amusing because you feel sorry for them that they feel awkward about this. She would have laughed with me.
But you know, I thought I could feel her presence this morning.
You know, my grandmother.
I love her.
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