Darkschunt 
Sunday, October 03, 2004
Shop Music: Lacuna Coil "Swamped", Resident Evil: Apocalypse OST.
Drinking: Cranberry Juice
Sky Lantern: Little past a full moon.
"You have to believe in yourself."
"You have to have more spirit."
"Have more confidence in yourself."
These were the words that someone told me this week. I don't exactly remember who he was or even how he looked like, but I won't forget his words anytime soon. If anything, the one thing I've learnt this week is that I have to do exactly what he told me to do.
Funny. I've always thought of myself as a confident person, the type who wouldn't care what other people thought of her. But if I was, then why do I have trouble talking to some people, why do some people intimidate me, why do certain situations still make me afraid and worried and lose belief in myself?
This year is suppose to be a sort of self-finding year, a year where I finally find out what I'm made of and whether I can take it in the real world. Needless to say, I found out some things about myself which aren't necessarily good. Cast adrift in the world, in a strange country with strange people, I didn't adjust as well as I thought I would, I wasn't as self-assured and independent as I thought I would be. I thought I could make it. Sometimes I did, sometimes I just...crashed and burnt. And it's not that easy to pick yourself up.
But while it's not easy, you can pick yourself up. So I'm not that perfect person I thought I was, I'm still crashing, I still mess up, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, as smart or hardworking as I'd like to be, as beautiful as I'd like to be or as charming and sociable as I'd like to be. I thought I could be comfortable in my own skin - fact is, I'm still learning how to fit in my skin.
And while I do that, the first lesson I still need to learn is to have confidence in myself. Don't get me wrong, I do have confidence in myself. Barring the risk of sounding egotistical, I know that I can be witty and charming and funny and confident. But, somehow, I'm not all of these things all the time, the same way I'm not beautiful all the time. When I have a good day, I'm all of these things all the time. But unfortunately, I'm not beautiful all the time and there are a good number of times a week when all my wit and charm suddenly - and most traitorously - abandon me. Apparently, my confidence is not enough.
Listen to me. I sound like some self-motivation article. The type my mom loves to read.
In the same vein, as mentioned before, the last one and a half weeks has sucked majorly, but I think that things are finally getting better. Either that or I'm just on my way to recovering from the touch of flu I've been having and it's improving my optimism as well.
But I've still been coughing, coughing, coughing my lungs out. If things aren't getting better, I'm going to see - aaaargh! a doctor! - on monday or tuesday. I am soooo sick of this. I was watching Wimbledown just now, and I was like dying to cough throughout the last half of the movie but I bravely restrained myself because it is sooo bloody irritating to be coughing in the cinema. I'd strangle myself, I know.
And speaking of Wimbledown! That was a great movie! Lol, and it was in the right vein since this whole week is like some sort of athletic week thingy, what with the Uni Games and the grading and training and then hanging out with some of the other teams from other states and taking them around. It was like a kendo-nonstop week and while there are some parts which I'd like to run back and do over again - like the competition! and participating while feeling all sick and dodgy and giving a completely terrible performance!sob! - it's also been a really, really, really great week. Like, the competition sucked, but at least I learnt something from it, and, well, it's not so much the winning or losing that matters but the sportsmanship and stuff.
Listen to me!!!!!! I really should start writing a self-help book! Okay, enough of this!
Let's just say that I've had a serious load of *important realizations* this week, so at least I got something good out of my rough time. ;)
And, oh yeah, speaking of sports, I just did some sit-ups and stretches just now, and that felt sooo good for my back. It was just the thing I needed.
Drinking: Cranberry Juice
Sky Lantern: Little past a full moon.
"You have to believe in yourself."
"You have to have more spirit."
"Have more confidence in yourself."
These were the words that someone told me this week. I don't exactly remember who he was or even how he looked like, but I won't forget his words anytime soon. If anything, the one thing I've learnt this week is that I have to do exactly what he told me to do.
Funny. I've always thought of myself as a confident person, the type who wouldn't care what other people thought of her. But if I was, then why do I have trouble talking to some people, why do some people intimidate me, why do certain situations still make me afraid and worried and lose belief in myself?
This year is suppose to be a sort of self-finding year, a year where I finally find out what I'm made of and whether I can take it in the real world. Needless to say, I found out some things about myself which aren't necessarily good. Cast adrift in the world, in a strange country with strange people, I didn't adjust as well as I thought I would, I wasn't as self-assured and independent as I thought I would be. I thought I could make it. Sometimes I did, sometimes I just...crashed and burnt. And it's not that easy to pick yourself up.
But while it's not easy, you can pick yourself up. So I'm not that perfect person I thought I was, I'm still crashing, I still mess up, I'm not as strong as I'd like to be, as smart or hardworking as I'd like to be, as beautiful as I'd like to be or as charming and sociable as I'd like to be. I thought I could be comfortable in my own skin - fact is, I'm still learning how to fit in my skin.
And while I do that, the first lesson I still need to learn is to have confidence in myself. Don't get me wrong, I do have confidence in myself. Barring the risk of sounding egotistical, I know that I can be witty and charming and funny and confident. But, somehow, I'm not all of these things all the time, the same way I'm not beautiful all the time. When I have a good day, I'm all of these things all the time. But unfortunately, I'm not beautiful all the time and there are a good number of times a week when all my wit and charm suddenly - and most traitorously - abandon me. Apparently, my confidence is not enough.
Listen to me. I sound like some self-motivation article. The type my mom loves to read.
In the same vein, as mentioned before, the last one and a half weeks has sucked majorly, but I think that things are finally getting better. Either that or I'm just on my way to recovering from the touch of flu I've been having and it's improving my optimism as well.
But I've still been coughing, coughing, coughing my lungs out. If things aren't getting better, I'm going to see - aaaargh! a doctor! - on monday or tuesday. I am soooo sick of this. I was watching Wimbledown just now, and I was like dying to cough throughout the last half of the movie but I bravely restrained myself because it is sooo bloody irritating to be coughing in the cinema. I'd strangle myself, I know.
And speaking of Wimbledown! That was a great movie! Lol, and it was in the right vein since this whole week is like some sort of athletic week thingy, what with the Uni Games and the grading and training and then hanging out with some of the other teams from other states and taking them around. It was like a kendo-nonstop week and while there are some parts which I'd like to run back and do over again - like the competition! and participating while feeling all sick and dodgy and giving a completely terrible performance!sob! - it's also been a really, really, really great week. Like, the competition sucked, but at least I learnt something from it, and, well, it's not so much the winning or losing that matters but the sportsmanship and stuff.
Listen to me!!!!!! I really should start writing a self-help book! Okay, enough of this!
Let's just say that I've had a serious load of *important realizations* this week, so at least I got something good out of my rough time. ;)
And, oh yeah, speaking of sports, I just did some sit-ups and stretches just now, and that felt sooo good for my back. It was just the thing I needed.
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