Darkschunt 
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
Whooooooooooooooo!!! Party time!!! Finals are over!!!
I feel so pleased with myself, i have accomplished my first semester abroad. New things are happening everyday.
I just can't get over how integrated i am with living a normal human life now.
The other day before i ran out to hand in my assignment (sneaking it in early morning monday so that they'll stamp it "friday" again ;)) i just turned around at the doorway to my room and looked back in my room and it was SUCH a mess, with clothes everywhere, papers strewn all over, my printer on the ground connected to my pc sitting on the desk above, and stuff everywhere, and it just looked SO like a teenage student's room, i just wanted to take a picture of it right then and there. It just looked so lived in, y'know? It wasn't anything neat and beautiful like those celebrity homes u see in In Style and on MTV Cribs but it was so much better than that. A person's things all over, a real person, bits and pieces of their life all over the place. My life.
It's really too bad I couldn't take a picture of it to show marcus and everyone else before i cleaned it all up today. Oh yeah, i stacked papers, put away all my books for the semester, vacuumed...now i'm sitting here, typing this, having a red wine vinaegrette sub and Pepsi for lunch while sitting by my window...my curtains are pulled aside and it's an incredibly beautiful day today, bright and sunny, a real difference from the past few rainy windy days...and the sun is shining in through the window where i have lined my empty glass alcohol bottles so that the sun will shine off them and create rainbow prisms for people who look at my window...
Ode to Winifred Burkle of Angel
FRED: "I am not—I am not the damsel in distress. I am not some case. I have to work this. I lived in a cave for 5 years in a world where they killed my kind like cattle. I am not going to be cut down by some monster flu. I am better than that! (softly) But I wonder... how very scared I am. (looks away)
...
FRED: My boys. I walk with heroes. Think about that.
WESLEY(crying, trying to hold himself together) :You are one.
FRED : Superhero. And this is my power: to not let them take me. Not me. (panting, crying)
WESLEY (sits beside her) That's right.
FRED: That's right.(laces her fingers through his) He's with me.
...
FRED(holding onto Wes's shoulders, looks into his eyes, quivering): I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm not scared.(her grip softens, she can't hold herself up) Please, Wesley, why can't I stay? (she goes still as Wes holds her in his arms)
WESLEY: (looks at her limp body in his arms):Please...
(hugs her) Please...
- ANGEL LAST SEASON EPISODE#103 A HOLE IN THE WORLD
I've just been reading the transcript for the last season of Angel, the episode "Shells", where Fred has died and Illyria has taken over her body and it is just so sad. I actually felt like crying when i read the end, it was just way so sad the way Fred's soul was consumed to resurrect Illyria. It was just so useless, y'know? You always think there's a way to bring them back...it'll all be ok, but it turns out Fred can never come back. Souls are always energy drifting about the worlds but this time, Fred really is no more because she was completely consumed by Illyria. And you really feel for Fred, the way she fought so hard, what she's been through. I thought I'd be the last person to be touched by Fred's death because I never really liked Fred all that much but it was just so...she had so much potential, she was so intelligent and beautiful and she went through so much, fighting her way in alternate dimensions, getting out alive, then learning how to live a normal life again (well as normal as u can get living with angel and gang), escaping being pushed into another alternate dimension and getting her revenge on the professor who first pushed her into the earlier dimension, all the things she went through and the way they showed her to have looked so forward to a bright life full of great things when she first left her home for LA...I felt it was so true the way she told Wesley how she had fought through so much, she just couldn't die like this. And you really feel for her the way she fought till the very end, and how she didn't want to die so much! It's not so bad if someone dying didn't mind leaving this world, but Fred didn't want that. But she did, anyway, which shows how easily life can snatch you away. It was just so heartbreaking. And frightening, because it showed how a soul can really be no more. But the one thing which I realized later was that even though Fred was consumed and really no more, the fact that there was still parts of her in Illyria made up for it...it was like, there still is Fred somewhere inside Illyria so there's still parts of her still alive. And so it wasn't really as if Fred was really no more, but she was, in a way, Illyria incarnated. FRED was ILLYRIA, the same way that I am now MYSELF and not MY FORMER PERSON but still somehow ME. And that was comforting, these parallels.
ILLYRIA: It's too small. It's too small. I can't breathe.I can't
live with these walls. I can't breathe. There's no room for anything
real.
WESLEY: It's all right.
ILLYRIA (glares at Wesley): I should gut you where you
stand. You challenged me. There's not enough space to open my jaws. My
face is not my face. I don't know what it will say.
WESLEY: Illyria... come with me.
...
ILLYRIA: All I am is what I am. I lived 7 lives at once. I was power and the ecstasy of death. I was god to a god.(looks down) Now... I-I'm trapped... on a roof. Just one roof... in this time and this place, with an unstable human who drinks too much
whiskey and called me a Smurf.
- ANGEL LAST SEASON EPISODE#105 UNDERNEATH
In the words of mah fren joy, "how cool is Illyria?" she is totally cool, Illyria is like amazing. In a way, it was kind of just so totally the right time for Fred to go and Illyria to take over. Illyria is like the evolution of Fred.
And I can feel for Illyria, the way she speaks of the way the walls are closing in...too small...how many times have i wanted to throw myself against the glass window because i just need to get out? To get out...even this world didn't feel big enough for me. It was frightening, that was frightening, to want to get out so much of this kind of claustrophobia.
For a while, because I've been so intent on integrating myself into normal life, I managed to forget those walls. But the other day, something happened which made me remember those walls and I panicked. But I forced myself to calm down, reminded myself that these "walls" can be overcome. They're just in your head, they're just in your head. Your spirit is so much more than that. It can overcome any walls. Gradually, I managed to overcome the claustrophobia, but it still rested with me the entire day, as I walked home, in the shower, while out with my friends. And I thought about it as I lay in my bed in the dark at night. It haunted me until I could not sleep. As I sat in the dark and thought about old times and my life today, I came up with a sort of analogy as to the claustrophobic walls of life and the parallels with climbing a straight completely vertical mountain side that was so high it seemed to have no beginning and no end. This claustrophobia, in a sense, wasn't so much like that of being locked in a room as in that of hanging off a mountain cliff with no where else to go but up and with the added fear of falling. And then I came up with my latest short story, the Mountain of Del`A`Kurk, which can be accessed through Darkschunt on the side bar. Just step through the portal... ;)
I feel so pleased with myself, i have accomplished my first semester abroad. New things are happening everyday.
I just can't get over how integrated i am with living a normal human life now.
The other day before i ran out to hand in my assignment (sneaking it in early morning monday so that they'll stamp it "friday" again ;)) i just turned around at the doorway to my room and looked back in my room and it was SUCH a mess, with clothes everywhere, papers strewn all over, my printer on the ground connected to my pc sitting on the desk above, and stuff everywhere, and it just looked SO like a teenage student's room, i just wanted to take a picture of it right then and there. It just looked so lived in, y'know? It wasn't anything neat and beautiful like those celebrity homes u see in In Style and on MTV Cribs but it was so much better than that. A person's things all over, a real person, bits and pieces of their life all over the place. My life.
It's really too bad I couldn't take a picture of it to show marcus and everyone else before i cleaned it all up today. Oh yeah, i stacked papers, put away all my books for the semester, vacuumed...now i'm sitting here, typing this, having a red wine vinaegrette sub and Pepsi for lunch while sitting by my window...my curtains are pulled aside and it's an incredibly beautiful day today, bright and sunny, a real difference from the past few rainy windy days...and the sun is shining in through the window where i have lined my empty glass alcohol bottles so that the sun will shine off them and create rainbow prisms for people who look at my window...
Ode to Winifred Burkle of Angel
FRED: "I am not—I am not the damsel in distress. I am not some case. I have to work this. I lived in a cave for 5 years in a world where they killed my kind like cattle. I am not going to be cut down by some monster flu. I am better than that! (softly) But I wonder... how very scared I am. (looks away)
...
FRED: My boys. I walk with heroes. Think about that.
WESLEY(crying, trying to hold himself together) :You are one.
FRED : Superhero. And this is my power: to not let them take me. Not me. (panting, crying)
WESLEY (sits beside her) That's right.
FRED: That's right.(laces her fingers through his) He's with me.
...
FRED(holding onto Wes's shoulders, looks into his eyes, quivering): I'm not scared. I'm not scared. I'm not scared.(her grip softens, she can't hold herself up) Please, Wesley, why can't I stay? (she goes still as Wes holds her in his arms)
WESLEY: (looks at her limp body in his arms):Please...
(hugs her) Please...
- ANGEL LAST SEASON EPISODE#103 A HOLE IN THE WORLD
I've just been reading the transcript for the last season of Angel, the episode "Shells", where Fred has died and Illyria has taken over her body and it is just so sad. I actually felt like crying when i read the end, it was just way so sad the way Fred's soul was consumed to resurrect Illyria. It was just so useless, y'know? You always think there's a way to bring them back...it'll all be ok, but it turns out Fred can never come back. Souls are always energy drifting about the worlds but this time, Fred really is no more because she was completely consumed by Illyria. And you really feel for Fred, the way she fought so hard, what she's been through. I thought I'd be the last person to be touched by Fred's death because I never really liked Fred all that much but it was just so...she had so much potential, she was so intelligent and beautiful and she went through so much, fighting her way in alternate dimensions, getting out alive, then learning how to live a normal life again (well as normal as u can get living with angel and gang), escaping being pushed into another alternate dimension and getting her revenge on the professor who first pushed her into the earlier dimension, all the things she went through and the way they showed her to have looked so forward to a bright life full of great things when she first left her home for LA...I felt it was so true the way she told Wesley how she had fought through so much, she just couldn't die like this. And you really feel for her the way she fought till the very end, and how she didn't want to die so much! It's not so bad if someone dying didn't mind leaving this world, but Fred didn't want that. But she did, anyway, which shows how easily life can snatch you away. It was just so heartbreaking. And frightening, because it showed how a soul can really be no more. But the one thing which I realized later was that even though Fred was consumed and really no more, the fact that there was still parts of her in Illyria made up for it...it was like, there still is Fred somewhere inside Illyria so there's still parts of her still alive. And so it wasn't really as if Fred was really no more, but she was, in a way, Illyria incarnated. FRED was ILLYRIA, the same way that I am now MYSELF and not MY FORMER PERSON but still somehow ME. And that was comforting, these parallels.
ILLYRIA: It's too small. It's too small. I can't breathe.I can't
live with these walls. I can't breathe. There's no room for anything
real.
WESLEY: It's all right.
ILLYRIA (glares at Wesley): I should gut you where you
stand. You challenged me. There's not enough space to open my jaws. My
face is not my face. I don't know what it will say.
WESLEY: Illyria... come with me.
...
ILLYRIA: All I am is what I am. I lived 7 lives at once. I was power and the ecstasy of death. I was god to a god.(looks down) Now... I-I'm trapped... on a roof. Just one roof... in this time and this place, with an unstable human who drinks too much
whiskey and called me a Smurf.
- ANGEL LAST SEASON EPISODE#105 UNDERNEATH
In the words of mah fren joy, "how cool is Illyria?" she is totally cool, Illyria is like amazing. In a way, it was kind of just so totally the right time for Fred to go and Illyria to take over. Illyria is like the evolution of Fred.
And I can feel for Illyria, the way she speaks of the way the walls are closing in...too small...how many times have i wanted to throw myself against the glass window because i just need to get out? To get out...even this world didn't feel big enough for me. It was frightening, that was frightening, to want to get out so much of this kind of claustrophobia.
For a while, because I've been so intent on integrating myself into normal life, I managed to forget those walls. But the other day, something happened which made me remember those walls and I panicked. But I forced myself to calm down, reminded myself that these "walls" can be overcome. They're just in your head, they're just in your head. Your spirit is so much more than that. It can overcome any walls. Gradually, I managed to overcome the claustrophobia, but it still rested with me the entire day, as I walked home, in the shower, while out with my friends. And I thought about it as I lay in my bed in the dark at night. It haunted me until I could not sleep. As I sat in the dark and thought about old times and my life today, I came up with a sort of analogy as to the claustrophobic walls of life and the parallels with climbing a straight completely vertical mountain side that was so high it seemed to have no beginning and no end. This claustrophobia, in a sense, wasn't so much like that of being locked in a room as in that of hanging off a mountain cliff with no where else to go but up and with the added fear of falling. And then I came up with my latest short story, the Mountain of Del`A`Kurk, which can be accessed through Darkschunt on the side bar. Just step through the portal... ;)
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